Nothing Is More Soothing Than Celine Dion Calmly Talking To A Drunk Fan Who Dry Humped Her

Celine Dion has many skills. She can make a human see the face of every God just by opening up the fountain of ethereal musical notes she calls a mouth. She can make phone calls on a shoe. She can come up with rescue plans on the spot. And she can make gays throw up a river of taffeta by giving a couture show on Instagram. But who knew that Celine Dion is also a masterful drunk whisperer who can expertly tame a fan whose motor functions are being powered by vodka.

During one of her shows at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas on Friday night, Celine brought a fan onstage, and it ended with the fan being escorted off by security. Judging by the fan’s level 2 Kate Gosselin circa 2009 hair, you may think that she was belligerent or asked to speak to the manager. But she wasn’t. She was just messy and going through it. The description in the YouTube video claims that the fan’s son just had a bone marrow transplant and wanted to tell the audience to be a donor. The woman didn’t really get her point across, because she was too busy breaking through Celine Dion’s personal space by dry humping the human version of a diamond-encrusted angel halo.

As soon as that drunk fan’s leg went up on Celine, her security stepped in, but she shooed them away. Celine then became the most glamorous police negotiator that ever was when she tried to soothe the fan with her Calgon bath bubble of a voice. Celine calmly brought the subject back to the woman’s son by saying that they were all going to pray and make a change for her son. The lady didn’t completely return to earth from DrunkMessVille, but she eventually left the stage. And when she did, Celine Dion melted into a puddle of exhaustion like you do when your drunk friend finally passes out after spending two hours crying and screaming about how their boyfriend hasn’t returned their text.

The Goddess of Patience then got up off the stage floor and thanked her audience for turning the theater into an opulent therapy office for five minutes.

“You know what, some people go through a lot and some people need to talk. And I want to say thank you to all of you, because for maybe five minutes we have given this lady a moment to talk.”

Celine Dion talking to a drunk fan is my Prozac:

If being the greatest singuh in duh world doesn’t continue to work out for Celine, she can begin a second career as an extra soothing party bouncer. Sure, getting kicked out of a party for being a drunk wreck sucks, but it wouldn’t suck that much if it was Celine Dion who gracefully escorted you to a waiting Uber.

Pic: YouTube

25 Comments

  1. ihaveachiponmyshoulder

    God bless her.

  2. Wow, getting drunk is not a bad thing, but getting to the point where you’re able to run up on stage and dry-hump Celine Dion, is not only humiliating but should be a wake up call to understand tolerance.

    Also, I really like Celine Dion.

  3. @Michael K you remembered the kayak! Everything about that Larry King interview was perfection. And from crying messily, into a flawless rendition of The Prayer? fuuuuuuuck

    https://www.youtube.com/wat

  4. Or, if I met Chris Evans, I’d grab both.

    https://i.pinimg.com/474x/c

  5. Synthetic you are SO right – with the French Canadian accent it’s an even more perfect album title:

    De Escalation

  6. “As far as voice goes for me shes right up there with Franklin, Streisand and Houston” –– seriously, she never hits a bum note. Ever.

  7. Joker Chick

    “I love you MOSTEST!” She’s the hottest drunk slut of the year!

    Kudos to Celine bc she’s 98lbs soaking wet and she handled that women, plus the weight of her dress, like a fucking BOSS.

  8. I love her SO MUCH!! I saw her in Vegas and she came out into the audience during one song and took 30+ selfies with people. She performed for over 3 hours and heavily featured her band as solo artists also. If you haven’t seen her singing WORK BITCH in Ellen, look it up now!!!!

  9. It’s at the bitter end of this.

    https://youtu.be/uGqVPT-BFUg

  10. Her music isn’t my thing, but she’s all class.

  11. Dirk Diggler-Kojak

    And she did her signature chest thump in the end! On t’aime Céline!

  12. I love the “international treasure” tag.

  13. turtle dove

    “Celine Dion melted into a puddle of exhaustion like you do when your drunk friend finally passes out after spending two hours crying and screaming about how their boyfriend hasn’t returned their text”
    see, MK is all of us.
    love you MK!!!! xoxoxoxo

  14. Spaz de la Whoreta

    “You know what, some people go through a lot and some people need to talk. And I want to say thank you to all of you, because for maybe five minutes we have given this lady a moment to talk.”

    Wow, that was really nice.

  15. Craigypants

    Yep Totally. You cant by class. https://uploads.disquscdn.c

  16. Craigypants

    Shes kinda Schmaltz but I love her. She always seems to be just so god dam NICE. She has totally changed Vegas with her shows, I went and saw her at ceasers and she was brilliant, funny, charming and you would think the roof was gonna blow off with that VOICE.
    As far as voice goes for me shes right up there with Franklin, Streisand and Houston.
    This is as corny and gay as it gets and I love it!
    https://www.youtube.com/wat

  17. She is like pure magic.
    A real boss!
    https://78.media.tumblr.com

  18. My French Canadian song bird is always on her A++ game. https://thumbs.gfycat.com/U

  19. DudeBornIn67

    I love Celine for this.

  20. She should have shanked that asshole.

  21. I just read a whole fashion retrospective on Celine over at Go Fug Yourself and I gotta be honest- I’m totally here for her. She seems to be enjoying herself in a way I don’t necessarily think she had the chance to a few years back and she’s not being a typical Hollywood brat about it. Carry on, Celine!

  22. Bayou Jasper DeKimmel

    I swear, erry damn bitch with the “I want to tawk with your manager” hair is a goddam MESS! That drunk ho isn’t even going to be embarrassed the next day. She’ll be like, “Who should I trash on Angie’s List today?”

  23. Celine Dion has always seemed like a genuinely nice person. Yes, there are things about her to side-eye about, as with anyone, but for someone with her longevity, talent and super stardom, she seems very down to earth and caring to me.

  24. There is a reason they pay her tens of millions of dollars to do her Vegas show…because she’s fucking worth it.

  25. If that woman’s son had just had major surgery, then I was the surgeon. Celine is a saint.

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