Gwyneth Paltrow Got Engaged

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Remember before there was a new gruesome rape story everyday and clowning on at-home coffee ass douche hawker Gwyneth Paltrow was one of our favorite things (it falls between raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens)? Those were heady times. Let’s resurrect that sort of feel-good reporting with a post on Gwyneth Paltrow getting engaged. She’s marrying American Horror Story co-creator Brad Falchuk.

They announced their engagement, naturally, on Gwyneth’s ridiculous-advice-and-severely-overpriced-products-for-rich-snots online hellscape GOOP (via US Weekly).

“We feel incredibly lucky to have come together at this juncture in our lives when our collective successes and failures can serve as building blocks for a healthy and happy relationship,” the couple wrote in a statement in Goop magazine.

THAT’S her engagement announcement? Where’s the “we’re probably destroying our relationship by getting hitched” part?

Let’s translate!

1. “…our collective successes and failures” means “when we got back together after we broke up multiple times because I’m an insufferable snob and he works 2,000 hours a week constantly making TV shows with Ryan Murphy.

2. “…serve as building blocks” means “he’s learned his lesson and has accepted my utter delightfulness despite my insistence on him using wombat semen as a facial moisturizer.

3. “…healthy and happy relationship” means “we’re getting married but I can’t just say it because I’m the most pretentious celebrity eye roll-inducer since Madonna started with that British accent bullshit.”

Gwyneth recently demonstrated that her relationships are way more highly evolved than yours by having brunch with Brad and her ex Chris Martin. You can check out the cover of the “Gwynie’s Engaged!” issue of GOOP magazine above. According to People, it’s a very special issue.

In addition to staring in a loved up black-and-white cover shoot together, the couple also share some sweet messages about their love and how happy they are to be taking this next step together.

I love you more than this $12,000 ash twig comb I use to shape my brows and pubic bush.” – Gwyneth’s idea of a sweet message of love.

Pic: GOOP

25 Comments

  1. Bloody Waifu

    Aw these kids in the last skit are giving me nostalgia for the early Harry Potter films haha

  2. RemoteKidney

    ahahahaha

  3. I love Catherine Tate.

  4. That is correct. Don’t look so hard!

  5. Chad Williams

    Well, sleepless nights for the poor schnook unless they have separate twin beds, like they did in those old sitcoms. https://uploads.disquscdn.c

  6. Kaotic's Idiot Savant Dirk

    I hate that I know this, but apparently the magical elixir properties are only found in the caffeinated version.

  7. Gwenyth Falchuk? More like upchuck

  8. Kaotic's Idiot Savant Dirk

    This. And LOL at “sanctimonious broom”!

  9. GothyMcGotha

    Ha!

  10. GothyMcGotha

    Nothing a little caffeine up your anus won’t fix.

  11. GothyMcGotha

    Look how he’s hiding his face. It’s out of affection, not embarrassment.

  12. GothyMcGotha

    Because evil never dies.

  13. GothyMcGotha

    Uh oh, don’t challenge her like that!

  14. GothyMcGotha

    Just the picture? If my mom were a sanctimonious broom that sent out press releases about her cooch and asshole everyday, I’d be mortified by her mere existence.

  15. GothyMcGotha

    If she’s so up in all this better yourself as a person business, why hasn’t she said anything about her good friend Mario, who she also had a travel and cooking show with?

  16. Bruinschick

    Nope. Not if you’re childless.

  17. Bruinschick

    Brilliant.

  18. Just the facts

    So we’re not supposed to noitce the photoshop, since it’s B&W?

  19. TrundleBundle

    Instead of having cake, they’re going to give each other coffee enemas. Nothing says love like a shot of coffee up the butt when you say “I do.”

  20. Upside-down Flower

    I have to admit something funny….at least to me.

    I read “generous” as “gorgeous”. It’s kind of the same, right?lol I think I might be dyslexic.

  21. Upside-down Flower

    I hope it’s not really his toothbrush and she’s just letting him know now.

  22. Breaking blonde

    She is soooooooo borrrriiiinnngggggg…ugh….a faded straw scarecrow has more personality….and takes itself less seriously….

  23. That’s him? I actually think I could see some potential, but he would need to go to the groomers.

  24. Catches it in teeth. Hey Verni.

  25. hahahahaha

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