Someone Console Amber Tamblyn, James Woods Isn’t Retiring

Last week, it looked like corpse litigant James Woods saved money on a publicist by having his realtor announce his retirement from the acting game when his glass houses in Rhode Island went on the market. Well, there’s probably one Century 21 yellow-blazered real estate drone looking for a new listing right now due to a firing. James isn’t going anywhere (except maybe Dateline: To Catch A Predator if he’s continuing to allegedly mack on 16-year-olds).

James explained to The Washington Post that he didn’t and wouldn’t announce his retirement via a real estate sale. Duh, he’d do it on Twitter and probably use the same tweet to say something self-righteous and hugely irritating. James was alerted to his supposed retirement by the person who’s supposed to be announcing such things – his surely put-upon agent.

“It’s just funny. My agent said, ‘Are you retired?’ I said, ‘I don’t think so, am I?’ “

James, who once kept a libel lawsuit going even after the defendant died, revealed that he was actually just selling one of his Exeter, Rhode Island vacation homes for $1.39 million. It was reported that he was selling several. Jimmy should have tried out for the Unabomber role cuz’ it looks like he’s had practice. I mean living in a log cabin, not blowing people up.

James said he had a meeting with his real estate agent, Allen Gammons, and a misunderstanding occurred that probably inspired celebration sex between Amber Tamblyn and husband David Cross.

“You said you want to simplify by having less property as you go toward retirement,” Gammons said.

“Yeah, exactly,” Woods said.

So, get this. James Woods texts and drives! Better unread than dead, you ass!

“Longtime Rhode Island resident and Warwick Pilgrim High School graduate James Woods, Veteran of nearly 150 movies and television shows, has announced today that his recent retirement from the entertainment field has prompted him to simplify his life.”

The real estate agent read the draft to Woods over the phone before sending it out. The actor was driving at the time, and more interested in the photos.

James added that he was tempted to leave the incorrect announcement as is to see how people would feel about his exit from showbiz.

“Who would care if I were?” he wondered.

Amber Tamblyn, obviously.

In the end, he thinks the whole story is funny. And not “disappointing” or “a cruel joke.”

“I’m the world’s biggest tease on Twitter,” Woods said. “I do not remotely take myself seriously in any way. Why do you think I’m on ‘Family Guy’?”

Because Seth McFarlane’s sort of a cocky douche?

Since James isn’t retiring from acting, he says he’s eyeing a role as the “gay protagonist” in a movie about the Westboro Baptist Church. Wait, he’s not playing fred Phelps? The casting directors in Hollywood are about as on the ball as the real estate agents in Rhode Island.



  1. I was about to get mad at you for harshing out my home state. Then I realized you specified Exeter, and I thought “yup.”

  2. Exeter Rhode Island is a dump full of white trash meth heads. Perfect place for this fucktard. He’ll be lucky to get a hundred and fifty bucks for that dump he’s peddling. Good luck gettin one and a half million

  3. Yup, he’s now a buffoon.

  4. You are so right, never thought about it. You are right!

  5. Hahahaha,ew….

  6. Riff!!!!

  7. Mister_Morty

    From the looks of his face the old shit streak has recently been in a fire. Otherwise he has the face he deserves.

  8. What lovely person you are Miss X

  9. Strange? Douche?

  10. svetlanabanana

    His own people think he’s retired… this is bad, James

  11. He’s good at playing fast-talking hustlers and creeps. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him play a normal guy

  12. Upside-down Flower

    I’m waiting for pa, ma, Laura, Mary and the twins to come out and wave.

    What is so magical about a rundown cabin on a stagnant lake? Mosquitos?

  13. Upside-down Flower

    He is a good actor. Sad that he’s turned into a pathetic attentionwhore on Twitter with his intolerant, ignorant and unnecessary comments.

  14. LoopyGorilla


  15. Alexander C. Skitch

    an old, white haired bag

  16. Judging from the number of posts on this thread, James doesn’t have to retire, his career is dead.

  17. Chad Williams

    Russ Tamblyn, Amber’s father, late 1950s.


  18. Worst Columbus Day ever.

  19. Ohnononohun

    Retire, don’t retire, who gives a fuck. Nobody is looking for you, pal. You’re only known as an old racist pig now.

  20. The sad part is that Woods is a FANTASTIC actor. He’s good in ANY movie.

    Who’d think this guy would be such a strange douche.

  21. His face looks like a potato.

    I know that’s an insult to potatoes but it’s true. Bleh

  22. DruncanDonuts


  23. I’d hoped this was an obit.

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