Crowds didn’t exactly swamp the movie theater this weekend to spend three hours with Harrison Ford and Ryan Gosling in Blade Runner 2049 — even if Harrison really did punch precious pony Ryan!
Even though the original Blade Runner back in the 80s was a big box office turd, it gained a cult following later in its life, and studio execs were like, “Fuck, if Dirty Dancing can get a remake, this shit surely can, too.” I’m not sure if they actually said that, but Warner Brothers did spend some coin on this movie. Blade Runner 2049, which cost at least $200 million to make, was a hit with critics, but The New York Times says it brought in only $31.5 million in the U.S. this weekend. That’s a whopping 30% less than what analysts expected. It was still the #1 movie at the domestic box office, followed by The Mountain Between Us ($10.1 million) and It ($9.9 million).
Warner Bros. exec Jeff Goldstein didn’t pull any of that Paramount/mother! sugar-coating shit when talking about Blade Runner’s floppage:
“I’m disappointed. The real trick now is to expand the audience past older men.”
Good luck with that, Jeff! Ryan and Harrison won’t be giggling through too many more interviews since younger people and the ladies never showed up to see their movie about cyborgs that showed ample booby. Hmmm, wonder why! Having been one of the few people who actually saw the movie this weekend, I think I know why: THE DAMN THING CLOCKS IN AT JUST UNDER THREE HOURS. And you didn’t even get to see Ryan’s Canadian cock-a-doodle-doo or Harrison’s grandpa peen. If they want to bring in the young tricks and ladies, do another remake, name it Wiener Runner, and Fandango will have to shut down for the day on account of all the dick demand. There! Box office crisis solved.