Pumpkin Spice Can Kill You!

Pumpkin spice has become the symbol for entitled basics everywhere. A symbol for every millennial walking into the street while texting curses to her Uber driver for being late and then being hit by her Uber arriving. For every annoying, Tory Birch-ed chick named Mackenzie who prattles on about her hot yoga class and keeps a version of her dream board in her cubicle. In short, it’s become a symbol of true evil. But now, pumpkin spice has become more than a symbol. NOW IT CAN KILL YOU!

The Huffington Post has a terrifying story about pumpkin spice hospitalizing people. Don’t run your narrow ass out of Starbucks just yet though, Mackenzie. This happened to high school students. Do kids drink bougie coffee? What happened to the customary Big Gulp and cigarette outside the gym?

Cristo Rey Jesuit High School in Baltimore, Maryland was evacuated and five people were taken to the hospital after a hazmat scare. The school’s website posted that a “strange odor” was detected on the third floor late Thursday afternoon.

“Five members of our community were transported to area hospitals as a precautionary measure,” the school said.

The principal was obviously having a helluva day.

“It was a smell that they certainly weren’t used to,” Bill Heiser, the school’s president, told the Baltimore Sun. “It appeared to be getting stronger.”

Four of the people were treated for nausea related to the odor, the fifth for “an unrelated issue.” (You know that was some kid faking it to get out of school. I would take full advantage as well if I were a surly teen who hated school again.) It turns out that the odor was a plug-in aerosol air freshener? The scent? DEADLY PUMPKIN SPICE. Glade obviously does not play when it comes to the strength of their scents.

The fire department unplugged the deadly pumpkin spice freshener and classes resumed as normal on Friday.

“It’s better safe than sorry,” Baltimore fire spokesman Roman Clark told the newspaper.

Truth. You can’t take anything for granted when it comes to pumpkin spice. Fall used to be about trees dying in a pretty way and supernatural serial killers coming after you. And now it’s become pumpkin spice season which is scarier than lack of health insurance.

Pic: Kensington/Amazon


  1. GimmeAllTheCoffee

    Peak basic but yesterday my boyfriend & I were at Target and partook in some pumpkin spice fuckery because I love that shit. Pretty much everything has a pumpkin spice iteration now; off the top of my head I remember Pumpkin Spice Cheerios & PS Oreos. We got pumpkin spice Life cereal and it’s the bommmmb.

  2. Her Many Cats

    Don’t you dare judge me but I like all things pumpkin! Especially tamales. I used to be in line behind the Kaylee, Madison, Mackenzie and Saylor at the center of commercialized lattes too until I bought a $6 second hand store Bialetti and a container of…Pumpkin pie spice. The actual spice. Meh, you can judge me anyway! I know I would!! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  3. Kiki_Zinnias

    care to share the recipe?

  4. Charlie Hunnam's butt

    they don’t last and you can’t recycle them.

    I bought one of those california cans to make your car smell fruity…I have no idea what’s in them but i made the mistake to leave my sunglasses next to them. Next thing I know my lens coating is partially melted. Scary.

  5. Charlie Hunnam's butt

    I once dated a guy who INSISTED I try Pumpkin latte from SB. I did, and it tasted like shit! why in the world would I want my coffee tasting like soup??yuk

    needless to say, he didn’t make the final cut and I went back to reg coffee

  6. Nutmeg is in pumpkin spice. Nutmeg is an hallucinogen in excessive amounts.

  7. SomEnchantedEvening

    Send a couple cases of it to the White House.

  8. Trash Panda

    They give me a raging headache.

  9. I don’t trust those Glade plug-ins or anything else like it. God knows what they’re made of.

  10. If you’re like me and don’t care for pumpkin, try swapping out the pumpkin for butternut squash. It’s delicious. Boil or steam the squash, put through a ricer and make sure that it’s a custardy (good amount of eggs) recipe as opposed to a thick, grainy one.
    I have the recipe somewhere. Homemade whipped cream is a must.
    An extra benefit of growing your own (next year?) is that the flowers are even better than zucchini blossoms to batter and fry.

  11. BarbaraMillicentRoberts

    I suppose πŸ˜‰
    you’re the best!

  12. 600 lb Teen Mom

    I laughed my ass off at this, J. Harvey! My husband and I tried to grow a little pumpkin patch this year and we’ve failed miserably. They started out just fine, but it appears that disease took over and ate it’s way through most of the patch. We have four big ones that have survived. I’m a Halloween baby so I love all things associated with Fall. That being said, I have a confession: I have never tasted pumpkin, but I already know I don’t like it!

  13. Any flavored coffee is nasty, in my opinion. I used to drink it when I was younger, but now I stick to plain ol French dark roast. No sugar and just a drop of milk.

    This story is bizarre.

  14. Queen Mab of the Unseelie

    I’ll dig it out and post it in tomorrow night’s OP–can you wait until then? πŸ™‚

  15. I don’t bake, but I will pass that along to a friend that makes pumpkin pie every Thanksgiving.

  16. Ferrets too! I’ve heard from many ferret owners to keep a can on hand for those reasons.

  17. Surely you photoshopped this because this mess cannot exist. Who eats this crap?.

  18. Norma in Lakewood

    I think I just saw that book at a book sale! Doo doo doo doo

  19. BarbaraMillicentRoberts

    YHASSSSS – soooo delish!

  20. BarbaraMillicentRoberts

    tumeric is also sup. to help with anxiety – I take it for both inflammation & anxiety every day!

  21. BarbaraMillicentRoberts

    … what I need every morning at work … I could take or leave the pumpkin spice though πŸ˜‰ https://uploads.disquscdn.c

  22. BarbaraMillicentRoberts

    I think it’s the lemon one that I have, you spray it in the WC before you use it & it helps you keep your dignity should you need to BM whilst a HAUT date is over πŸ˜‰

  23. Mrsoul eyes this every time,
    http://www.lifealittlebrigh… and next to it, cans of Reddi Whip! Evil! LOL πŸ™‚

  24. BarbaraMillicentRoberts

    I need this secret recipe or I shall stop caring about life & allow myself to be run over like McKenzie πŸ˜‰

  25. she looks adorable!! asshole kitties are the best kitties… hell all kitties are assholes!

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