Goop’s First Print Edition Is Here

Because Goop is an organic ostrich with its head very deep down in the sand, Gwyneth Paltrow has decided to take some of it offline and into a print magazine. It gets better than that. UsWeekly says they’re going to try and charge basic betches $15 a pop for it. Charging too much for things we already get for free on the internet? Oh Gwyneth, never change.

Gwyneth is on the cover (duh), and she tries to show she and Taylor Swift attend the same “Show the haters you’re in on the joke!” meetings with her “Earth To Gwyneth” cover line. She takes it literally by lubing up neck to toe in mud from the farm from Charlotte’s Web. It probably isn’t, but you know she always tries to upsell whatever manure she gets into.

While I would expect Gwyneth’s mag to be thousands of pages of sage wisdom of jade vagina eggs, vagina steaming, and the occasional passive aggressive comment about Madonna in an anti-aging cream article, the whole thing clocks in at a mere 96 pages. Because of COURSE it does. Maybe she pays her writers Conde Nast 1970s wages so they can also take three-hour lunch breaks and get sloshed on (organic) martini lunches.

Readers can expect fitness snake oil, clean beauty secrets snake oil, and probably actual snake oil. Oh, and apparently, Gwyn never watched the ending to My Girl, because she professes getting stung by a bee really helps out with a C-section scar:

“The doctor stings you [with a live bee] like it’s an acupuncture needle. I had it done on my cesarean scar…I had some buckling in the scar, and it really evened it out.”

And I’m sure that retails for a cool $1400 at your local dermatologist. Meanwhile, you could honestly just pay a friend to take you to your nearest public garden and be on standby with an Epi-Pen. Again, this huss clearly did not see the end to My Girl.

Pic: Terry Tsiolis/Goop

25 Comments

  1. Anatomy.

  2. We have 2017. All printed magainzes are struggling and she is launching a print magazine? Is she crazy? Maybe the headline is ironic?

  3. Normal titty bahvior.

  4. It only appears that way, because she is lying down and has her right hand over her head and the left down her side.

  5. And no photoshop?? The fuck?

  6. Seriously, like 3x the size! What the fuck is happening with those tittays????

  7. Left boob twice as big as the right. Bitch, can’t you afford a better plastic surgeon?

  8. And yet there are people that will pay for this shit.

  9. wikipediabrown

    she has one hand on her underpants in that so-called sexy “will she or won’t she” pose. nobody wants to see your nether region, you brainless pretentious twat swab!

  10. Patchcord Adams

    The dearest, funniest man who ever lived. I used to go out with a guy who worked on Uncle Buck and he said that JC was the nicest, most down-to-earth person you would ever want to meet. He died way too soon.

  11. Patchcord Adams

    She’s so REAL. She can RELATE.

    Gag.

  12. Patchcord Adams

    Not today, Satan. Not today.

  13. Upside-down Flower

    Store are setting up displays of Halloween decorations and costumes.

    How many will e bought because they though it was for Halloween decorations. Thinking it was Martha’s new magazine.

  14. Upside-down Flower

    You wore them when you drove you Delorean, right?

  15. Upside-down Flower

    I hope she says is slow motion.

  16. Upside-down Flower

    Exactly. Something that draws the eye as, Or had goop painted in color on her bony crepey skin. ‘What is this new piece of shit being sold next to the fine reading of the New Yorker?’

    It has one think going for it. It blends in with all the other garbage blowing in the wind of NYC.

  17. Upside-down Flower

    That might have been an inflammation from being stung, Gwynnie. You are full of delusions of grandeur and on the train to insanity.

    Did she show the scar? She’s not shy.

  18. Upside-down Flower

    I was hoping that was really Kwik-crete.

  19. Upside-down Flower

    I think online is where alot of magazines and newspapers are going.

    Oh, congratulations. I hope your article was successful.

  20. Upside-down Flower

    No one is mourning the forests that died for this pompous shitt.

  21. Yeah, but the VF website is going great guns. Full disclosure: I wrote a story for them once. I still owe them one.

  22. Upside-down Flower

    Magazines are struggling. He’s smart.

  23. Upside-down Flower

    I don’t give it a year. Its it is a year, it will be a money loser. Of course, she loses no money.

  24. Well, if she really did what they say to get the Shakespeare In Love part, she has worked, hard. For about 90 seconds.

    But I wouldn’t. Harvey Weinstein? Nope.

  25. Nope, it’s Conde Nast. They’ll have a fixed print run, and they’re expecting the first issue to sell out.

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