Did your parents ever make you play the game How Long Can You Go Without Saying A Word? My mom used to pull that shit on me all the time when I was a kid. I was terrible at it and never lasted more than one minute.
Hopefully Nikki Reed and Ian Somerhalder are better at it than I was, because part of their birth plan includes 30 days of silence once their baby is born. It’s one of the myriad woo-woo pregnancy tidbits Nikki revealed in a recent Fit Pregnancy interview.
Fit Pregnancy reports:
“We’ll take the baby’s first month for ourselves. After the baby arrives, we’re doing one month of silence. Just the three of us, no visitors, and we’re turning off our phones too, so there’s no expectation for us to communicate. Otherwise, every five minutes it would be, ‘How are you feeling? Can we have a picture?’ You don’t get those first 30 days back, and we want to be fully present.”
She’s probably picturing blissful exchanges of tender smiles, padding around barefoot on reclaimed wood floors while clean linens blow gently in the breeze on the lanai, baby swaddled and silent in the loving embrace of his mommy and daddy. What I’m picturing, is a squalling infant, frantic miming about shitty diapers, flipped birds and the eventual screaming match between mommy and daddy at about the 2 day mark.
But what do I know, Nikki is clearly a superior being and we average, every day garbage people can only hope to achieve the balance and purity that Nikki processes. In the interview, Nikki takes “smug pregnant lady” to a whole new level. She combines it with her new-age hippy dippy lifestyle, to let us all know we’ve been doing it wrong for eons. Here’s Nikki on why you are a lazy cow:
“Ian jokes that he wants to keep me pregnant forever. I’m a very driven person with lots of energy. I can run multiple companies, read four books at once, and take a conference call while cooking dinner. But pregnant, I’m a better version of myself. I’m really chill and relaxed, which I think is the greatest blessing.”
Four books at once?! Was she an octopus before she got pregnant? I read magazines when I poop and I have to take drugs and alcohol to achieve chill and relaxed. Maybe Nikki has a non-chemical method for me to achieve zen. Oh, she does? Great, let’s hear it.
“I realize I may sound like the crunchiest person in the world, but once a month I go to a studio for a sound bath. The idea is to meditate while listening to the vibrations of big bowls. Everyone else in the room has a quiet, introspective moment, and I lie there trying not to laugh, because it’s party time in my belly. The baby moves around so much!”
Yes, I read it as “bowels” too. I thought that’s what she was referring to when she said she had a party in her tummy! Anyhow, I’m going to have to take a pass on the sound bath. It seems like a drag. What about diet, maybe Nikki can help me there. Nikki?
“For the past eight years I’ve been a plant-based eater. Carbs are a huge staple of my diet and I try to be conscious of my intake, like, ‘Maybe you don’t want another stack of toast, since you’ve already had six pieces.’ Right now I really love cashew-based chocolate ice cream!”
Fuck toast. You can have all the plant based carbs you want and you choose fucking toast?! I bet she eats it dry too. Somebody needs to explain to this woman what a french fry is.
I can’t believe she has pregnancy shamed me and I’m not even pregnant! I’m really looking forward to Nikki and Ian’s silent time with their newborn. I think us lower level, carbon based beings could use a break from hearing about how lazy and disgusting we are.