Ryan Lochte Has Been Cleared Of All Charges In Brazil

The highlight of the 2016 Summer Olympics was when the USA’s head swim brah Ryan Lochte and his merry band of aqua-douches made an enemy of the Rio De Janeiro police department. To recap, “Jeah“-Man and Co. were involved in pissing on a gas station as well as some vandalism. The cops were involved, and Ryan later filed a fake police report, claiming that the police who apprehended them were hoodlums in disguise who held them at gunpoint! It was all waterlogged lies, and Ryan and the rest of Pi Delta Speedo ended up paying fines and issuing public apologies. Ryan, however, was still charged with “false communication of a crime.”

The good news is, you swim groupies (and Ryan’s Playboy model wife and newborn baby) can chill. Ryan is not going to prison in Rio, where he could probably buy LOADS of cigarettes with all those gold medals. He’s been cleared of all charges. TMZ says an appeals court has thrown out the criminal charge against the big wet doofus, with a judge ruling that Ryan “never set out to create a lie.”

The judges ruled Lochte did not go to cops and report the incident … they came to him after hearing stories in the media. So he never set out to create a lie, and that was the turning point in the case.

Shortly after the incident, Lyin’ Ryan apologized in a slack-jawed kind of way in an interview with condescending human smirk Matt Lauer. Besides paying a fine, his punishment was a ten-month suspension from USA Swimming. In addition to that, banana hammock empire Speedo, 1% brand Ralph Lauren, and something called GentleLase hair removal system dropped him as their spokeswimbo.

It got so bad for Ryan, that he had to go and shake his merman ass on Dancing With The Stars! Well, all is now well in the underwater kingdom of Lochte-Land. Mom and Baby Jeah (Michael K insists that’s what the kid’s name is) won’t have to constantly wire reals to dad so he can avoid being turned into the cellblock’s go-to banana boat. You figure a guy who can hold his breath for that long could be really useful to horny cellmates. *cringe*



  1. Are we sure it’s his?

    I mean, I’d be surprised that he knew where to put it.

  2. He lied, but didn’t lie to the authorities. Lying isn’t illegal or else most celebs would be serving life sentences.

  3. Upside-down Flower

    Locate and the others were representing the U.S.A. So, he had to prove what by being a fucking vandal? Is that how he treats places he’s basically a guest in/at? Disgraceful human whiny liar.

  4. Upside-down Flower

    Now he can get his life back and continue his illustrious career as a…………..wait, Michael Phelps was at the ESPY’s. Where was Ryan? Who cares? I don’t like liars.

    Why would any company want a known major liar to represent them? Winning an Olympic medal doesn’t mean squat.

  5. Jello® Butt fka llkroll

    Awwww, this makes me feel kinda sad.

    Bless his heart.

  6. Jello® Butt fka llkroll



  7. BlairBear

    Didn’t they demand money from Lochte

  8. GothyMcGotha

    It’s like that lady who got hit by a train because she was busy taking a selfie. Sad but not so sad.

  9. GothyMcGotha

    I bet it took a long time coaching him to stop hitting the wall with his head.

  10. GothyMcGotha

    Aww, feel better soon!

  11. GothyMcGotha

    Wow. Look at them empty eyes. It’s like watching a toy run out of batteries and it’s sloooowing dooown…

  12. BaconSlut

    Thankfully, no pain. Just a lot of swelling and drainage. Yuck.

  13. Ear pain is the WORST.

  14. BaconSlut

    When I was swimming, I used to use a combo of half vinegar and half rubbing alcohol. Fairly recently, an ENT told me not to do that. I’m just prone to it, but now it’s from shower water.

  15. Goober_Pyle

    Me either. I actually snorted water.

  16. Goober_Pyle

    The shallow end of the gene pool is the most fertile.

  17. Goober_Pyle

    Have you tried diluted vinegar drops??

  18. Goober_Pyle

    I’m very sorry but yes, he is that dumb.

  19. DontFearTheReaper

    Somebody got paid the fuck off. I wonder how much money did it take.

  20. Contessa Bel Raven

    Can you imagine trying to have an actual conversation with him? *shudder*

  21. LookieLookie

    Well we’re also not really doing shit about our corrupt as all shit president so…. (yay Brazil, and yes, it’s worst than Cheeto, though mostly concerning domestic issues instead of fucking the entire world).

  22. Ladyfromthe80swithNewWaveHaird

    he lied to his mom. he lied to matt lauer. HE LIED! where is al roker to set that court on fire?

  23. Contessa Bel Raven

    Feel better soon!

  24. LookieLookie

    They didn’t take wallets or smart phones (easily with $1500 each in Brazil). They didn’t hit him or anything when he refused to get down. Bullshit he thought he was being robbed. He’s not THAT dumb. He was mad they got called out for being fuckboys and he thought everyone else would be dumb enough to believe him and his racist xenophobic lies. Okay, maybe I am giving him too much credit.

  25. I think there is literally just one DIM light on at home. Like a night light of sorts…so you don’t end up bumping into the furniture.

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