Gwyneth Paltrow’s “Team GOOP” Took On Their Haters!

The amount of eye rolls and laughter directed at rich white lady caricature Gwyneth Paltrow and her website of swindling GOOP has recently increased. Gwyneth’s most recent ludicrous and potentially hazardous product shill has been for jade eggs that women can insert into their most beautiful and life-giving orifice, to increase pelvic-floor strength and sexual satisfaction.

Everyone except the nanny-jealousy-stricken Lululemon Goop Gestapo set found this laughable. One doctor found it to be potentially dangerous. Gwyneth didn’t do her website any favors when she went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and admitted she’d never used her own vagine as an incubator for jade eggs. Well, Goop is now in damage control mode. They’re striking back and would like everybody to have a tall drink of Haterade and shut the eff up! They have doctors who didn’t get their medical licenses in the Caribbean who can back this shit up! And how dare you stifle their sales of silly jade hoo-ha eggs their free speech? It’s anti-feminist or something!

In an essay on the site attributed to “Team GOOP,” blame was assigned to “third parties who critique Goop to leverage that interest and bring attention to themselves.” They’re referring to Dr. Jen Gunter, an OB/GYN and blogger in San Francisco. She wrote a post about how the jade hey-nanny-nanny eggs have not been scientifically proven to gird your lady loins, and may even cause Toxic Shock Syndrome.

GOOP called Dr. Jen’s ass out, without using her name.

There was a tremendous amount of press pick-up on the doctor’s post, which was partially based on her own strangely confident assertion that putting a crystal in your vagina for pelvic-floor strengthening exercises would put you in danger of getting Toxic Shock Syndrome–even though there is no study/case/report which links the two–and also stating with 100 percent certainty that conventional tampons laden with glyphosate (classified by the WHO as probably carcinogenic) are no cause for concern. Since her first post, she has been taking advantage of the attention and issuing attacks to build her personal platform–ridiculing the women who might read our site in the process.

And then they trotted out their doctors to spit at the naysayers. GOOP’s own Dr. Steven Gundry, in particular, won’t be letting Dr. Jen borrow his speculum and forceps anytime soon. When a paragraph begins with the line “since you did not do even a simple Google search of me before opening your mouth, let me give you a brief history,” you know it’s time to make some popcorn and enjoy the show. This is almost as good as Basketball Wives L.A.!

Even more shockingly, they allow me to teach my crazy ideas to medical students and family practice and internal medicine residents at my current hospital; they now do monthly rotations in my clinic, so perhaps the tide can change and maybe I’m not as crazy as you make me out to be.

You can read his whole diatribe here (he’s REALLY upset that she dropped the f-bomb in her post).

Dr. Jen’s response? She’s no dummy.

There could be some good advice for ladies amidst the $90 vitamin packs and $920 cardigans (she should be ashamed) on GOOP. Who knows? But you’re probably better off quietly easing the jade ladyfurrow eggs off the site before it’s all you’re known for, Gwynnie.



  1. LaChaylo®

    I watched Prince of Tides the other day, and I can’t look at Blythe Danner the same knowing her daughter is such an insufferable, egotistical, judgmental asshole.

    Gwyneth thinks all those colonics make her shit smell like the finest organic, heirloom roses. No, bitch. Your shit stinks, your hair needs conditioner, and you’re not even pretty. Oh, and your corny ex husband hated your ass.

  2. craigypants

    My mum could knit that in a week but better.

  3. craigypants

    90 bucks is expensive piss.

  4. winnyfranfran

    I agree. What the hell did she do to her face? Does she even act anymore?

  5. How very random. You’d think they would’ve responded months ago, so I wonder what triggered this mess?

  6. Ridiculous. And yes, not cute.

  7. Queenie Jones

    Yes, isn’t that outrageous? It’s ugly.

  8. Cari Alice

    That was way harsh, Tai.

  9. I don’t want no snake oil potion up in MAH vagine.

  10. Cari Alice

    That’s what I was thinking. The defensiveness is not a good look.

  11. Guest54321

    This is one of the best and funniest comments I have ever read. Thank you.

  12. Guest54321

    Well. except toxic shock kills you, pretty fast. They probs dont quite deserve that. Maybe.

  13. Dingle Barry

    Moral of this story: save yer money, and your pussy cat.

  14. selfpotato

    Weird. I guess she didn’t say what she wasn’t allergic to. Probably that bee venom lip balm that was a craze a while back.

  15. Dingle Barry

    Beer ain’t free, but ‘Murica is. Here, hold muh beer…

  16. raincoaster

    That’s why they’re rich. Paltrow isn’t spending $400 on jade cooch eggs.

  17. Dingle Barry

    Meanwhile rich people be all like, maybe we’ll update the ’07 Subaru in 10 years.

  18. raincoaster

    Fran Lebowitz said that Donald Trump is a poor person’s idea of a rich person. I think Gwyneth Paltrow is a striving bourgeois person’s idea of a rich person. You know, the kind who buys sugar-free vanilla soy lattes to be flash and hopes nobody knows she dyes her own hair.

  19. Nope. The only thing GOOP got out of me was my email address.

    Recipes link:

  20. Dingle Barry

    I checked out her $920 cardigan (thinking that it would be 100% cotton handspun by martyrs – it isn’t) and I thought I read …this grey, drab-knit v-neck cardigan…

    These two things are for certain:

    1. It’s ugly.
    2. My father wore this exact same cardigan in the 50s, 60s, and early 70s.


  21. Do you pay for the newsletter and the recipes?

  22. that makes me happy.

  23. Mitt Zombie

    Bananas are good for you, probably not up the butt though.

  24. Vernicious

    HAHAHHA and they make her look fat.

  25. DAMN!

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