Miranda Kerr Married Rich

Miranda Kerr just gave a dismissive eye-roll to her normal salary as a top model. She’ll probably use those millions to paper her crafting room now that she’s married to Snapchat billionaire Evan Spiegel. She’s struck Silicon Valley gold!

Miranda, 34, and Evan, 26, were married yesterday at their home in Brentwood, CA. The ceremony was described by E! News as “small and intimate” and by People as “lavish and classy.” This means a small crowd (there were 40 guests) got an open bar with really top-shelf booze and definitely had scallops wrapped in bacon. Scallops wrapped in bacon as cocktail hour appetizers are the height of wedding opulence. To me, anyway.

It’s a little surprising that they didn’t have a bigger affair seeing as Evan was quite the douchebag brah partier back in the day. Back in the day being less than a decade ago. It might have been small but it sounds like it was magical and no one’s aunt flashed the DJ. A source tells E!:

“It was a small intimate wedding,” says a source, who added that the bride looked regal and like a “natural princess.”

In addition to being an intimate affair, it was also an emotional one. Both the bride and groom had tears in their eyes, according to the insider.

“The vows were beautiful,” said the wedding goer.

That’s nice about the vows and everything, but can we tackle “natural princess” for a second? What’s a “natural princess?” Is that like an “exclusively gay moment?” Did she go sans fards, but her extreme beauty made her look like she gracefully exited from a storybook? Was she born haughty? Someone look it up.

The couple got engaged in July after dating for a year. In a surprise move, the Instagram announcement of said engagement was the very opposite of “lavish and classy.” They also said they aren’t doing it until marriage, so now that the whole wedding is out of the way, they will truly get to know each other. But we definitely know it won’t be Miranda’s first time, as she was previously married to paddleboarding penis king Orlando Bloom, with whom she has a three-year-old son.

Evan Spiegel’s net worth is $4.8 BILLION. They probably could have afforded to get married on the surface of the moon and honeymoon on Mars if that’s what Miranda wanted. And it’s all because of that app that I can’t figure out how to use because there are not enough labels as to where to swipe to get back to stuff. Yes, it’s always fun to put a puking rainbow filter over your face. But I can’t even get back to my contacts! And I always end up having to watch the “stories” of people who I’m not even sure I like because I accidentally swiped or clicked the wrong way. Evan should spend some of that $4.8 billion on making that app easier to use for simpletons like me!

And for your listening pleasure, here’s Miranda Kerr warbling some Shania Twain at her wedding reception, courtesy of TMZ.

Pic: Backgrid

25 Comments

  1. Crystalscoble

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  2. Crystalscoble

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  3. Or maybe hes smart and had a vasectomy cuz he knows 99% of women especially this billionaire chasin thot are only lookin 4 a meal ticket. Honestly hes a cute kid. Im too old for him..lol but i would date him money or not..but not this one she can get model hot but poore guys like herself and shes 1year away from where genetic problems where her chances of a healthy pregnancy also due to egg quality diminish significantly..can she go another 10-15 years..playin with fire i guess..but she gota nail this one down and already got 50% hooked with marriage. I hope hes not stupid to procreate..at least not with this trick. Somebody tell me she married him 4love…lol not sayin everybody’s a golddigger. There is someone 4him..i just hope he smartens up after he has enuf sextly times with her..and gets his head outta clouds. Basically “honeymoon phase over”that well.. Isnt her. Cuz my gut tells me once she gets her 18 year paycheck..shes gona split..and i bet shes gona say there’s no chemistry..that she loved him being traditional..but wen they did horizontal mambo she had no feeling. Lying cabbage patch toddler face troll..lol pisses me off cuz prob 1st time i really feel bad 4someone i dont know cuz i 100% feel shes using him. Just my opionion..but gut also!

  4. Frankly Fat Patricia

    He’s 26, has a net worth of 4.8 billion and married a model in a lavish classy ceremony. Ugh. Meanwhile I’m at home struggling with a coconut I can’t open. https://uploads.disquscdn.c

  5. she probably picked tonight as their wedding date cause shes probably ovulating and she knows once he..well..you know..lol its gonna be like a firehose monsoon up in her vajayjay..lol and she wastin NO TIME with that 18 year meal ticket to be conceived.

  6. see im thinking just the opposite. She probably d**k teased the heck outta him every night dangling her hootchi coo in his face with her old Victoria’s Secret lingerae (sp?) and hes like prenump what?? Lol cuz shes waaaay too happy marrying him. Billionaires having a kareoke machine in a backyard wedding. I got a feeling cuz i knew somethings up but after hearing kareoke backyard wedding that hes very very cheap. Maybe she thinks shes gona change that with her golden poontang after nuptuals..thats some horrible kareoke btw from her..somethings telling me if no prenump hes no dummy and somehow legally if no prenump to sneakily appease her hes got his money in some offshore accounts or investments. Easily accessible to him but not 2her in divorce. He didnt get to be a 20 year old billionaire by being stupid. Prenump or not i bet he knows this model billionaire..well isnt gona last…and shes lucky to walk away with a $100 IKEA gift card..OR..Wouldn’t it be a bish if hes got a 2incher and she finds out shes stuck with that for life after being used to what we know Orlandos packin and then there actually is a prenump…lol i just never trusted her intentions since shes jumped from rich to rich to rich..and not lowball millionairs biebers worth like $200 mil & climbing. Not 2bad for another 20 yr old. Then right to shrek..sorry you couldnt pay me a billion. Have you seen him in his speedo swimsuit? I know thats not nice..but Love my arse.i heard seriously hes kinda psycho bi polarish. Thats why mimi said c’ya. But in beginnig Mariah either really loved him cuz shes worth 500 mil..or she just wanted an upgrade and not have to put dinner on her black amex anymor..gold diggin hos..lol.ok off my soapbox 4my monthly comment.

  7. If she has to see him (Rupert Murdoch) naked regularly then ‘soon’ could feel like decades. At least Miranda only has to see scrotum when she looks at his actual scrotum, not his face…

  8. IFuckLikeaStarfish

    It’s cute that you think that they will last 5 years. 5 months would be too generous.

  9. duckywucky

    😲 mine too. Physics and he does math puzzles for leisure. No social skill and im putting it all together as lack of empathy. Sadly he is my current bf

  10. SpiceDong

    I thought their ages were reversed…to me she looks 26 and he looks 34…oh well carry on and hope the prenup is a generous one in case the dick she allegedly didn’t sample before marrying him is not good and things go to shit.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.c

  11. Same here. Mine was a scientist, empathy almost nonexistent 🙁

  12. Well at least Jerry was famous in her own right. And prettier than this Miranda. She looks very meh/average to me, nothing to write home about at all.

  13. Yeah, as in *coughcough* Salma Hayek’s French dude

  14. CaptainLatrine

    Man, did she get lucky!

    She’s tried every other rich man out there (she screwed Bieber, gross), and even billionaire Shrek wasn’t willing to put a ring on it.
    This guy would have been a nerdy teen dreaming of lingerie models in her Victoria’s Secret heyday, when she was getting the most press for her relationship with Orlando before his career died and considered pretty famous.

    Only a young virgin still enamoured with the idea of her as she was at the height of her fame would consider an aged-out, kind of weird looking model with silicone tits and a reputation as a rich man’s town bike a good get and want to marry her. She’s incredibly fortunate he was saving himself for marriage otherwise he would have dated her for a while and moved on, but he couldn’t culminate on his teenage dream of fucking a VS Angel without marrying her first, so she got that ring.

    If it was anyone else I wouldn’t be bothered, but this bitch peddles books by anti-vaxxers and she and her mum are full of dangerous bullshit ‘health’ advice, so fuck her and I hope she doesn’t get a cent in the divorce.

  15. MISSJANETEXAS

    Says the person using ain’t

  16. Yana Felani

    Young ones are much easier to trick and rope in, they don’t know any better

  17. Agree 100%. my ex was (is) a Physics/Maths sort of genius and that was the most painful relationship I’ve ever had. Zero empathy skills or whatsoever.

  18. LoopyGorilla

    he looks like he wouldn’t even touch the sides.
    miranda settled on this basic bitch because all the billionaires and arab sheikhs have had a go.

  19. Yana Felani

    He’ll be cheating on her in about 5 years time.

  20. With 34 she’s not that old. Her kid might be more of a hinderance than her age. And for that she’s got nannies.

  21. Good, so they finally had sex.

  22. BloodSweat&Tea

    Well, considering what other billionaires look like 😉

  23. BishPleeze

    In Hollywood terms, she might as well be 50. She scored a major coup in landing this guy. The golddigging game is strong with this one…

  24. MISSJANETEXAS

    I don’t have an opinion of her either way actually.

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